Letting My Husband Fail: Lessons from an Ex Controlling Wife

A few months ago, I posted a reel that went viral about the best marriage advice I ever received. I was still a newlywed when this minister – a dear friend – pulled me to the side and admonished me: “Jasmine, I know you,” he started. “Let [your husband] fail. You’re going to want to keep him from making mistakes, but he needs those mistakes. That’s the only way he’ll learn.”

In my heart of hearts, I knew the advice he was giving me was solid, but the control freak in me rebelled. No way I was letting this man fail. Tony and I were united in marriage now so that meant if he failed, I also failed, and I wasn’t having that. So, I did the exact opposite. For years I did my best to “help” Tony make the right choices. From money, to his education, to our child, I tried to oversee it all. Unfortunately, me being a controlling wife led to serious damage in our marriage. My husband resented me, and I had zero trust in him.

We’ve been married 7 years now and thankfully I’m no longer that insufferable, controlling wife. I’ve learned to loosen the reigns and give my husband space to fail, and it’s blessed our marriage tremendously.

I realize, however, that there are so many women who are still stuck where I was. Many wives don’t even realize that their attempt to “help” is damaging their relationship. When I posted that reel, I saw so many comments from women who wanted clarity. “What do you mean by failing?” “How do you actually let go”? “What do I do if it’s repeated failure in the same area?”. While I am no marriage expert, I figured I could share what has worked for me and my marriage.

First of all, what do I mean by “failing”?

Off the bat I want to make it clear: when I refer to failing, I AM NOT REFERRING TO ADULTERY OR ABUSE OF ANY KIND. If your partner is cheating, they have broken their vows and you are in no way, shape, or form obligated to stay with them. Likewise, if your partner is abusing you or your children, your safety takes priority. Remove yourself and/or your children from the home and go to a safe space.

Now that we’ve established that, here is what I mean by “let him fail”. It means allow your spouse the space to make mistakes and learn on their own, just as you would like them to do for you. This could be something as big as making a foolish financial decision or as trivial as not separating the laundry the way you think it should be done. Whatever the case, give your husband the space and grace to try things their own way and learn from their mistakes.

This does not mean being a doormat or sitting silently by while your husband wrecks his (and your) life. I absolutely give my husband advice. I ask tons of questions when he’s making a decision that scares me. I offer my wisdom whenever I see it’s necessary. The difference between simply offering advice and being a controlling wife is how you respond when your advice is not taken. In the past I would badger my husband until he agreed to do things my way, and if he by chance didn’t do it my way, all hell would break loose. Now, I simply offer my advice and step back so he can decide how he wants to proceed. If he makes a choice I don’t agree with, I let him know I don’t agree and why, but then I shut up and take it to God in prayer.

Sometimes the decision he makes works out and it shows me I don’t know everything. Other times, however, things go south just like I knew they would. In those instances, I try not to gloat or hold it over his head. If he takes a risk and fails, I come alongside him to figure out how to pivot and recover.

But what if he keeps making the same mistake?

When it comes to repeated failure in the same area, especially if the failure is doing real damage to your family or finances, my advice is to be prayerful and seek God’s wisdom on how to proceed.

I have walked through this with my husband in the area of finances. A few years ago, Tony decided to make a major change in his career. I 100% was against it because I knew it would have serious negative impact on our finances if things didn’t go as he planned. I ended up being right. This change drained our finances, but he didn’t want to admit to himself that he had made a mistake. It drug on for months, and each time I tried to nag or force him into changing course, he dug his heels in deeper. To make matters more frustrating, for eight long months, every time I went to God about it in prayer He told me to submit to my husband and be patient. I kept praying and asking for Him to intervene until one day, He finally gave me a specific action to take with my husband.

I followed the leading of the Holy Spirit and it really upset Tony at first because it forced his hand. He had little choice but to finally take my advice, and he wasn’t happy about it; but I didn’t care because I knew I had been Spirit-led.

Sometime later Tony came to me and told me the Holy Spirit had convicted and corrected him. He apologized for his stubbornness and admitted he should have listened to me from the beginning. The Holy Spirit was literally a mediator between the two of us, and helped us get back on the same page. Not only that, the Lord restored everything we had lost in that season that Tony was off course. The following year after we got on the same page, our household income more than doubled. God truly blessed my submission and our unity!

I say all of that to say, if you are a wife who is trying to submit to your husband but also protect yourself and your family, the Lord is on your side! Even in the face of foolishness, He is working things out. The Lord will advocate for you and restore anything that was lost if you just keep doing your part.

The blessings found in letting go of control

When I decided to stop being a controlling wife and instead give my husband room to get things wrong, a few things happened. Once I started letting go, it gave him the freedom to take risks. Some of those risks ended up in big messes. And as much as I would have loved to never experience a loss, these instances showed us both how to work together through failure.

Letting my husband fail also helped him trust me more as an advisor. After ignoring my advice and taking an L a few times, he’s much more apt to come ask me for my opinion and actually take heed now. Because I’ve put my trust in him, he does his best now not to abuse it or lose it.

Another positive I’ve seen, is that Tony has become more confident in his leadership. Because he’s been given room to lead our family, he’s more diligent in his research when making decisions. He knows how to take calculated risks now because he’s had the room to refine his own decision-making skills instead of being nagged into submitting to mine. He knows he can make risky choices and I’m going to back him up 100%.

As for how this has benefited me: I no longer have to carry the weight of our family’s well-being on my shoulders. Before, I was always so stressed trying to make sure everything went perfectly. Now I get to relax and actually enjoy my marriage. It’s not that I’ve gained 100% trust that Tony will always make the right decision. I know he won’t. But what I know now that I didn’t know then is that I can rely on God to protect me even when my husband misses the mark.

Allowing my husband to fail has helped us both grow in wisdom. Laying down my need to control has helped us trust God and each other more. The respect between the two of us has grown by leaps and bounds and the peace in our marriage has followed suit.

My prayer is that every controlling wife will come to the place where she trusts God more than she fears her husband failing. Trust me, sis, it will make for a more peaceful and rewarding marriage for you once you loosen your grip.