I’m not sure what I expected this pandemic to bring about for me. In the beginning I was just trying to adjust as quickly as I could to a new normal. Quarantine. Social distancing. Working from home. Taking care of my toddler while working from home. Securing toilet paper and hand sanitizer from Target like I was in the freaking hunger games. It was a lot, but I managed.

Unlike many people, my husband and I were blessed enough to not see any decrease to our finances. In fact, we INCREASED. Hubby got a new job that doubled his salary. We paid off debt. Stacked our savings. Finished furnishing our whole apartment. I finished writing the manuscript for my new book (publishing in progress). My marriage started growing stronger and more fun as each week passed. I was on top of the world. Excited. Bossing up. Feeling myself.

And then something peculiar happened. A few months into the pandemic, my idyllic fairy tale took a nose-dive towards the pits of hell. Without getting into too many details (because this story involves other people), I found myself in a weeks-long battle that rattled my self-esteem, the relationships around me, my finances, and my peace.

Stressed.

Overwhelmed.

Going THROUGH it.

And it wasn’t solely because of the battle with people I found myself in. No, what most concerned me was the war that started raging in myself. I started second-guessing myself, my call, the people around me. I began to obsess over all the ways things weren’t going well and all the ways I wasn’t measuring up to those around me. It was 3 weeks of outbursts, sulking, crying almost every day, and no longer caring about all the work I had put in to finally get to a good place.

My attitude was putting major strain on my marriage and – worst yet – on my relationship with God. I started nagging my husband incessantly. I stopped having my prayer and Bible study time too. I was in a funk and it seemed like nothing could pull me out.

It all changed for me, however, on a random day when the Lord was finally able to get my attention. I was mindlessly scrolling Instagram when within myself I heard the phrase, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown.”  I pondered it for a minute and then the realization hit me like a truck.

Generational curses.

I am in the middle of breaking generational curses – ungodly cycles and habits that are passed down from generation to generation – and that kind of work is never easy.

It’s never easy being the first. There’s no roadmap for you when you set out to take over uncharted territory. Not only do you have the disadvantage of simply not knowing what you don’t know, you also have a very real enemy whose sole goal is to make sure you NEVER reach the destiny God called you to. John 10:10a says, “the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy”. Satan was literally trying to steal my peace, kill my dream of becoming an author, and destroy the unity my husband and I had worked so hard to establish.

And I was letting him.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

I come from generations of broken homes and single mothers. I come from generational debt and financial lack. I come from seeing domestic violence regularly in my home. I come from an environment filled with drugs and other criminal activity. Can you imagine the weight? The girl reared in all of that is now trying to be a law abiding, Christian woman with a peaceful home and healthy marriage. All without the benefit of ever having seen it modeled up close before.

It is exhausting. It is weighty. And I was breaking down under the pressure of it all.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Until I heard that phrase.

The crown is worth it, for sure, but the weight of it all almost makes it unbearable. How do I hold something so big up and still march forward with my shoulders back, chest puffed out and head held high? I told myself it was too much for one woman to bear.

I wasn’t wrong. It is too much for me. I’m not strong enough, confident enough, or wise enough to fulfill my purpose by myself. But who said we’re supposed to reach destiny by ourselves?

The Bible tells us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells us that God’s grace is sufficient for us because His power is on full display when we are weak. In Isaiah 41:10, God tells us, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

My mistake was thinking that I had to fulfill God’s plan for myself all by myself. The truth is, I will never be enough for what God is calling me to do. None of us will be. He designed us to need Him. We were never created to be self-sufficient. We must rely on the Holy Spirt to help us reach destiny.

After pondering these verses, I came to the realization that I needed to repent and get back before God in prayer. What followed was about a week of purging that I was NOT prepared for.

The Lord started showing me things in my heart that Satan was using to keep me bound. I had to confront fears, insecurities, and unforgiveness that had me ugly crying on my bedroom floor and at an impasse with the Lord as I told Him He was asking me for way more than I could give.

But He was patient. In the midst of my outbursts and tears, I would hear the small voice of the Holy Spirit within, leading me to Bible verses that breathed life into me, verses that healed me. After about 7 days of this, I finally came to the place where I felt peace return. I felt joy and expectation come back. And I got my drive back. I’m back on track with publishing this book. My home finally is in harmony again. I’ve returned to my times of prayer and Bible study. God has been gracious.

Friend, if you’re in a place of extreme heaviness I understand your frustration. I want to encourage you: do not quit in the middle! God called you to this. You were built for this, but you weren’t built to do it alone. God created you for your purpose but He created you to work in concert with Him to fulfill it. Lean into Him. Let Him lead you. Let Him show you the areas in your heart that are hindering you. Talk to Him about it. Vent. Ugly cry if you have to. But do the internal work then get back to work.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

But the crown is so worth it.