Emotional Self-Care: How are you REALLY doing?

Come on in and take a seat, friend. We’re talking emotional self-care today and I’m going to get all in your business and ask you what I’ve been having to ask myself a lot lately.

How are you?

No, seriously. I don’t want the polite “I’m fine!” that we’re all programmed to give when asked this question,

I mean how are you REALLY doing?

It’s OK if you don’t want to tell me. The question is really for you.

I’ve led a women’s small group since 2015, and in that time I’ve noticed that women usually don’t answer that question truthfully. Our whole lives can be falling apart and when someone asks how we are we will put on a big smile and say everything is good. I don’t believe we lie because we are being intentionally deceptive, but rather because we haven’t even been real with ourselves. We spend so much time trying to juggle all of the many hats we wear: mom, wife, student, corporate girl boss, church volunteer, community leader, and more. Women spend so much time managing our homes, work life, finances, and passions, that managing our internal state easily falls to the wayside.

I had to have this talk with myself not too long ago. For several weeks I found myself in a weird emotional state. I was constantly drained, numb, withdrawn, and just living from task to task. This was a far cry from my usual goofy, extroverted, and optimistic self, and the scary part is that it took me weeks to recognize the change.

I was doing chores around the house one day when this thought just dropped into my head, ‘Jasmine, how are you really? You’ve experienced so many blows lately and you can’t just sweep them under the rug. It’s OK stop and take inventory of your feelings.’

It was at that moment it hit me. The reason I was feeling so unlike myself was that I had been ignoring my own feelings. At this time, the pandemic was still getting into full swing. I had just started working from home while at the same time caring for my two-year-old whose daycare had closed due to COVID. On top of that, I was leading a church small group of 20 women that now had to meet on Zoom calls. My husband and I were missing each other because he had gotten a new work schedule that was the exact opposite of mine (translation: we barely saw each other). The lack of time together was causing breakdowns in our communication (AKA petty arguments) and putting a strain on the peace in our home.

I was not OK, but you would never have known it by the way I moved. I kept right on piling more onto my plate and spending less and less time catering to my own mental and emotional health. I knew I needed to invest more in my own emotional self-care. I was at a breaking point and something had to give.

You may find yourself in a similar state: running on autopilot from one responsibility to the next while paying little to no attention to your own spiritual and mental state.

How are you really doing?

I want to challenge you to take time to regularly check on you. In the moments at work where you notice you’re frazzled and frustrated ask yourself, “OK, what am I feeling and why? How can I work through this?” When you’re feeling some type of way towards your man after a hard conversation, take inventory of your thoughts. “What’s going on with me? How do I feel about what just transpired?”

I do this a lot now when it comes to my marriage especially. I love Tony with all my heart and he really is my best friend, BUT there are days I want to strangle him. He might have made a comment that unintentionally hurt my feelings or gave me a critique that offended me and hours later I’ll find myself just feeling so sour towards him. My thoughts get ugly and I start replaying all the ways he has ever disappointed or upset me, which makes me spiral into sadness and resentment. In those moments I’ve learned to interrupt the stream of negativity and ask myself, “Jasmine, how are you feeling? What moment or statement triggered you and why?” Then I pray through those feelings and invite the Holy Spirit in to help me sort through them and manage them in a healthy way.

There is no formula for taking care of your inner self. Checking in on yourself can’t be reduced to a 3-step process. Mainly because it’s not that complicated. All I’m suggesting is that regularly – every day – we all should be in the practice of checking in with ourselves, both while in moments of stress, sadness, or disappointment and also just as a regular part of our daily routine when nothing seems wrong at all. We can’t tend to what we haven’t acknowledged. How can we care for ourselves well when we don’t even care enough to take stock of where we truly are?

Simple ways to integrate emotional self-care into your day

In the morning or evening during your prayer and/or meditation time, take a few minutes to assess how you’re feeling.
If you’re the type of person who processes their feelings better on paper, journaling is really effective. In times when I’m overwhelmed, I like to do a “brain dump” where I pull out my journal and just write whatever comes to my mind without stopping to think about it. When I’m done, I re-read what I wrote to see what’s foremost on my heart. This has worked wonders for me on the days I can’t verbalize what I’m feeling.
In the middle of the day while on a break from work, get to a quiet place and take inventory of your thoughts and feelings. If you can’t have your journal with you for some reason, use the notes app on your phone to record your thoughts.
If you have a weekly pamper routine/spa night, use that time to also do some spiritual and mental self-care and incorporate your self-checks in there.

The key here is to keep it simple and consistent. Regardless of when, where, or how you do it, set aside time to truly connect with yourself and take stock of your mental and emotional well-being. You as much as anyone else deserve your love and affection so lavish yourself with the gift of your attention. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself, “How am I REALLY doing?”

Praying for you and cheering you on,

Jasmine