When I was single I had so many ideas (i.e. fantasies) about what marriage would be like. Being that I had never actually been married, most of my information came from TV, the married people I saw around me (or on social media), my own past relationship history, and even my own expectations and desires. I’d read books about preparing for marriage, watched sermons about marriage, and even read Bible verses about it (which is a VERY good source, by the way). However, none of that really prepared me for what I stepped into on March 5, 2016.

My hubby (Tony) and I tied the knot after dating for 1 year and 10 months. We were together for a year and 7 months before he popped the question on Christmas morning. As you can imagine I was ridiculously excited when he asked me to be his wife, and I immediately began to plan our wedding and future.

“This is going to be so amazing. I’m marrying the man of my dreams!”

And I was right. It was amazing (and still is) but there was so much waiting for us on the other side of “I do” that neither of us could have predicted. There is so much I learned the hard way. If you’re just getting started on your marriage journey (and even if you’re not), here are five things every wife should know.

1 | Marriage really is hard.

I have heard from married and divorced people almost all of my life about how “hard” marriage is. Just about everyone says it’s work and that it can be so difficult so I wasn’t blind to the fact that holy matrimony would be challenging. I just wasn’t prepared for just how challenging it would be. My idea of “hard” was having an argument here or there about what to eat for dinner or being mad for a few hours about an annoying habit but then coming to a mutual agreement and getting over it.

I was so not prepared to spend hours locked in my closet/shower/car hysterically crying out to God, “why did you let me say ‘yes’ to this man?!”. I didn’t think that just a mere two weeks into what was supposed to be the “honeymoon phase”, I’d be asking the Lord if it was too late to change my mind. I wasn’t prepared for the crying, screaming, spending the night elsewhere (only happened once, but still), the second-guessing myself, the curse words that I thought I had stopped using coming out in full force, the candles flying, the clothes thrown outside (all of this was me, by the way. Tony was always the chill one).

**Disclaimer: not every marriage goes through extremely hard times in the early years. There are plenty of couples who have wedded bliss from day one and throughout their marriage. So “hard” is not a guarantee, but it most certainly is common. If your marriage has always been smooth sailing, we praise God for you (and want you to leave some tips in the comments below!). However, if you are having a rough patch in your marriage, you are not alone. Keep reading for some wisdom on how to make it better. **

I found out from another couple that it is totally normal to have a rough time in the beginning because 1.) marriage is a serious adjustment, and 2.) Satan hates marriage and he does everything he can to destroy it. The early years of our marriage were anything but wedded bliss. They were hell on earth for us. This was mainly because of point number two below.

2 | Expectations can cause trouble.

Misplaced (or unspoken) expectations caused a lot of problems in my marriage. Both Tony and I were guilty of this. I expected him to come home and spend lots of time with me when he got off work, but he expected to come home, eat dinner and relax by himself for a few hours first. I expected him to shower me with affection and attention even though that’s not his love language and it doesn’t come naturally to him. He expected to never see a dirty dish or messy house despite the fact that I was working, going to school full time, running a weekly small group, and serving biweekly on the prayer team at church. I felt overwhelmed and misunderstood and so did he. We both had placed expectations on one another that neither of us had agreed to and that in some cases, neither of us could fulfill.

If you’re not careful you will bind your spouse to a promise they never agreed to keep. Our upbringing, past relationship history, and inner desires can create a picture in our mind of what is “normal” but the danger there is that what is normal/expected to you may not be the norm for your spouse. You have to learn to verbalize your needs and expectations. Which brings me to point number three.

3 | Communication is the life (or death) of your marriage.

When it came to communication we failed in two areas. Number 1, we didn’t set aside specific time for us to talk to one another. When we were in premarital counseling and in our marriage small group, our leaders hammered into us the importance of having weekly family meetings. The purpose of the family meeting is so that both husband and wife will be on the same page and have open and constant communication on a regular basis.

We didn’t do it. Not because we didn’t think it was important, but because we let our schedules get in the way of it. So because we weren’t talking regularly, issues would just build up without being addressed and the longer they built up, the worse the issues became.

Our second issue with communication was simply that we didn’t know how to do it effectively. He would talk to me in a way that he could understand but not necessarily in a way that I could receive it (and vice versa), so we were basically both just talking to make a point instead of listening to understand each other.

Every wife should know and understand the importance of setting aside time to communicate with your spouse.  Be intentional about coming together regularly and inviting the Holy Spirit into your communication time.

You also both have to be mindful of being easily offended. It’s impossible to not get your feelings hurt at some point, but don’t dwell on the offense. Conversely, if you’re the one who caused the affront, make sure to apologize quickly without making excuses and move on.

4 | Being friends is important.

Marriage is not just a spiritual contract. It’s not just sex either. Life happens all around you and times will get hard. You need a solid friendship so you can enjoy your partner.

Even with all of the craziness that Tony and I put each other through we’ve managed to hang on to our friendship. Shortly after we got married, our finances took a hit and didn’t improve for about three years. We were barely able to pay all of our bills.  Often times there was no money to go out on dates or travel or do fun things. But it didn’t matter because we learned how to just enjoy each other. When there wasn’t room in the budget to go out, we were perfectly content to play Monopoly in the house or slap box or go on hikes.  

You have to learn to enjoy doing life together. It’s what keeps your marriage from becoming just a business partnership.

I can’t stay mad at my husband for too long because he’s my best friend and sooner or later I start missing doing best friend stuff with him. That’s usually what drives one of us to make peace after a disagreement. We love each other’s company.

5| A relationship with Christ is vitally essential.

This point alone needs an entirely separate blog post, but I will say a bit here.

In many different places, the word of God tells us that God is a husband to us. He is also called the lover of our souls. True fulfillment and joy can ONLY be found in Him. Our careers, possessions, and relationships can give us a temporary high but only He brings permanent, abiding joy and satisfaction.

“For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name” ~ Isaiah 54:5

I can honestly say that the first few months of my marriage, I looked to Tony to fulfill a lot of jobs that were not his to take on. My mood and self-esteem were dependent on how he talked to me or treated me on any given day. I looked to him to affirm me as a good wife and a good Christian. I went to him for counsel when I should have gone to God. I wanted him to understand me and look past my flaws.

The problem is, he can’t do any of that, at least not to the extent that God can. My husband is a flawed man – loving, compassionate, a good Christian, but still flawed. He needs the same grace from God that I need. He’s still learning to love like Christ, just as I am. Heck, he can barely understand his own ways, how could I expect him to know and understand mine? So adjustments had to be made. I learned to spend daily time with Christ and now He is the ONLY one I depend on in order to be fulfilled.

Every wife should know that your husband’s love and affection cannot replace the love and affection of God. We need Jesus. He’s the one who gives us our identity and our value. He is the only one who can truly fulfill us and take care of the most fragile, vulnerable pieces of our hearts. Our husbands are not designed to meet our every need. We can only look to God for that.

All in all, marriage is trial and error and a training ground for spiritual maturity. I have been stretched so much these past 5 years. I’ve been forced to look at myself in the mirror and I’ve been shocked at what I’ve found out about myself. I’ve learned to stop putting a magnifying glass on my husband’s flaws and instead focus on my own. I’ve learned to lean in closer to Christ so that HE can make the changes that are needed inside both my husband and me. Marriage can be painful, confusing, beautiful, and amazing because it consists of two flawed individuals and a very gracious God.

Regardless of what stage of marriage you are in, I’m praying that your marriage be blessed and that together you and your spouse will grow in love and continue to glorify God with your union.

~Jasmine

Bonus!: I have included below 2 free and powerful prayer guides. Click below to snag “10 Powerful Prayers for Wives to Pray for Themselves” and “14 Days of Declaring the Scriptures Over Your Husband“!

Grab Your Free Prayer Guides Here!

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