Christmas 2010 was hands-down THE WORST Christmas I’ve ever had. My boyfriend had just broken up with me a few weeks prior. It was a split that I absolutely did not see coming and it had me reeling – even more than a month later – and trying desperately to hold myself together emotionally.

I drove down from college to be home that Christmas and when I got there it felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. On top of me missing my ex, it seemed that everyone I loved was either busy doing their own thing or booed up with their significant other. As night fell, I bounced from house to house trying to find something to do or someone who wasn’t busy before finally giving up and going back to my mom’s house to cry on my bedroom floor. I felt so alone.

I’m happy to say that that season of intense loneliness didn’t last long. Although I was single for the next three and a half years, I never found myself hating it that much again. I became very intentional about healing from that last relationship and actually enjoying my single season. Still, every year around this time I remember that Christmas night in 2010 where I cried myself to sleep on my bedroom floor. I know there are many singles who struggle with loneliness every day, but especially during the holidays. Let this post encourage you and equip you to get up and start to enjoy the season you’re currently in. Without further ado, here are three keys to overcoming loneliness during your season of singleness.

Key # 1: Invest in yourself

One thing that breakup in 2010 taught me was that I really didn’t know myself or enjoy spending time alone. From the age of 14 to 20, I had only ever been single for a few weeks. I kept myself a man. For some reason, I was afraid of being by myself. If you can relate, I’m going to tell you what I told myself 10 years ago: “How can you expect someone else to enjoy being around you if you don’t even enjoy your own company?”

Embrace being alone, friend. As a married mom, I can tell you that you will miss having alone time one day! Use this time to cater to yourself and learn about yourself. Take yourself to the movies, go out to dinner, or treat yourself to a spa day. Those dates you wish you had someone to take you on, go on them all by yourself.

One of my favorite dates that I would take myself on in those days didn’t cost any money at all. Here in Gainesville, FL there is a stunning little wedding chapel that sits on the University of Florida’s campus. It is called the Baughman Center. The chapel is comprised of floor-to-ceiling windows all around and is nestled in a little thicket that sits right on a lake. The back wall of the chapel is a huge window that overlooks the water, and it is absolutely breathtaking.

I would take myself out there in the middle of the day when I knew it would be empty and write poetry as I sat at the altar, overlooking the lake. Sometimes I would also pray and worship or just listen to music. Years later, I took my now-husband to the chapel with me. It was fun taking him to my favorite spot and watching him love it too, but the most memorable times for me are those times I went all by myself.

Dating yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. It takes a confident and secure woman to say, “I am worth being catered to and invested in, even if I have to do it for myself.”

Key # 2: Lean into community

While you can’t depend on other people to meet all of your emotional needs, spending time with your tribe is a great way to overcome feeling lonely. Girl, being single doesn’t mean you have to shelter in place and never go out again. Plan a girls’ trip or girls’ night out with your friends. Invite your bestie over for a sleepover and spend the night having some much-needed girl time.

 My girls were absolutely key in me overcoming that feeling of rejection and solitude that many single women face. I remember on my first Valentine’s Day as a single, I decided I didn’t want to sit in the house and mope. Instead, I hosted a manicure party and invited a group of my friends over. We ordered pizza, played music, danced, and did our nails all night. It was one of the best Valentine’s Days I’ve ever had.

Your girl time doesn’t necessarily have to include parties or going out, but whatever it is you like to do, find a tribe (or just a friend) who will be down for the shenanigans with you and have yourself some fun!

Key # 3: Draw closer to God

This is the biggest and the best one, sis.

I cannot tell you how big of a difference developing a strong relationship with Christ made in how I felt about being single. When my ex first left me, I was living a backslidden life, completely not thinking about God. The split pushed me back to Jesus. My heart was so broken that I knew He was the only one who could help, so I threw myself into the relationship headfirst.

I was at every church service and prayer meeting. I was fasting, praying, and studying my word at home for hours on end (Lord, I miss having the time to do this!). I was desperate for God. I wanted Him to heal my heart, yes, but I also just wanted to know Him. I wanted to experience Him as fully as possible, so I invested crazy time, effort, and even money into doing just that.

The result was a peace and fulfillment like I had never known. I discovered in that time that one of the Hebrew names/titles for God in the Bible is Jehovah Shammah. It means “the LORD is There”. The Holy Spirit showed me during that time that just because I was alone didn’t mean I had to be lonely because no matter who was or was not with me, the Lord would for certain always be there with me.  

Bonus Key

I think the most important key I could leave you with is that loneliness is a mindset. You could be in a room full of people and be lonely, and you could be all by yourself and be completely content. Alone does not have to mean lonely. Your worth isn’t tied up in your relationship status and being single doesn’t mean you’re not desirable or worthy of love. It just means you haven’t met the person for you yet.

I encourage you to take full advantage of the time you have to yourself. You have the perfect opportunity to invest in yourself, grow in your relationship with God, and learn how you want to be loved. This is the time to love on yourself and to focus on being whole. That way, when a man does come around, you will choose from a place of fullness instead of one of desperation.

Praying for you and cheering you on,

Jasmine