When I was single, I couldn’t understand when married couples would lament their struggles to keep their relationship exciting. I assumed that if you married someone you liked and were attracted to, what could be so hard about maintaining that? Now that I’ve been married for almost 5 years, I get it. Life gets busy, having a child – or multiple! – can be draining. It gets extremely easy to fall into the routine of meeting all of life’s demands without realizing your marriage has been put on the back burner. If you’ve found yourself in a rut in your marriage, don’t be discouraged. Today we’re talking about 3 ways to spice up your marriage and get the fun and intimacy back in your relationship.

1 | Make time for it

I alluded to this earlier, but the truth is we have so many responsibilities and distractions pulling on us daily, and they absolutely will consume the time that should be reserved for your marriage. We have to be intentional in order to foster intimacy and excitement in our relationship.

Set aside time every day to connect with your spouse without distraction. I know most of us are busy, so this doesn’t have to be an hours-long event, but even just an hour can go a long way towards keeping the connection strong in your marriage. Even if this time isn’t spent being physically intimate, just taking the time to connect and get into each other’s world will make a huge difference in how you spice up your marriage.

Find a time that you are both at your best and most relaxed and set it in your schedule as a standing appointment. In my case, my husband, Tony, works the graveyard shift and sleeps during the day, so the best time for us is in the evening after he’s woken up. We look forward to that time at the end of the day after we’ve put our toddler to bed. Which brings me to point number two ….

2 | Don’t focus all of your attention on parenting

I hope I haven’t lost the moms already.

Sis, I’m just going to say it: you have to learn how to turn off mom mode if you want to keep the connection strong with your husband. While our kids are blessings and one of our most important assignments, they can not be our whole entire world. Of course, we must tend to their needs and nurture a relationship with them, but there has to be a balance. Kids will consume your life and suffocate your marriage if you’re not careful. One of the best gifts you can give your kids is a healthy marriage modeled before them. That means your role as a wife has to be given just as much consideration as your role as a mother.

What I’m saying is, kick those toddlers out of your bed and put them in their own room. How can you and your spouse connect physically when you have a whole child right there literally blocking? Trust me, I’m not judging because I myself was so guilty of this. Tony wanted our daughter in her own room well before I was ready. I resisted until she was two years old and he finally put his foot down and told me it was time. Honestly, it was the best thing we ever did for our sex life. Do you know how free you can be when you don’t have to worry about waking somebody up?

We also don’t let our daughter stay up at all hours of the night. Sis is in bed by 8:30 pm most nights because we want to enjoy a few hours child-free before I go to sleep and Tony heads off to work. From 7:00 am to 8:30 pm it is our daughter’s world. She is showered with all of our love and attention for the majority of the day, which is why we don’t feel guilty about putting her to bed so we can devote just a few hours to our relationship.

Moral of the story: Take the much-needed time to divest from mommy duties and instead focus some of that attention on your partner. Those kids will be alright.

3 | Play a game

While board games like Monopoly or Sorry are really fun ways to spend time with your boo, I’m talking about games that are a little more grown-up here. I will never forget my bridal shower. It was an intimate gathering of about 20 of my girlfriends, all of whom I went to church with. Naturally, I was expecting them to shower me with gifts. What I was NOT expecting was the types of gifts these sweet little church ladies gave me. I unwrapped everything from handcuffs, to sex checks, intimacy dice, edible massage oils, and much more that night and was thoroughly shook.

While sex games are fun – and they really are – last year I decided my marriage needed something a little deeper. I found the solution in the Ignite Intimacy Challenge. I love this game because 1.) it was created by a Christian couple that I have followed online for years and 2.) it focuses on physical intimacy AND emotional intimacy. It includes two activities: the “Hear Me/Help Me” challenge and the “Intimacy” challenge. It is the perfect way to spice up your marriage both emotionally and sexually.

In the “Hear Me/Help Me Challenge” there are a set of cards with 2 different color sides. The pink side (the “hear me” portion) promotes positive affirmations for you to say to your spouse (example: “You’re a good friend to me because … “). The brown side (the “help me” portion) are questions that challenge you to grow (example: “Am I a good friend to you?”). I love this portion of the game because it makes Tony and me go beyond the surface and really hear from each other’s perspective on how our marriage is doing. I also love that the cards facilitate the conversation and make it easy to ask the hard questions or even the questions we didn’t realize needed to be asked in the first place.

The second half of the game is the intimacy challenge, and this part is all about action. There are also two-sided option cards for this challenge. One side has prompts for mental intimacy and the other has prompts for physical. Each person rolls the dice and carries out the corresponding instructions on the intimacy challenge key card. This portion of the game is really good for those times you feel like you’re in a rut mentally or physically and just need to spice it up. Overall, the entire game is a perfect way to rediscover your partner and spice up your marriage.

Whatever keys you decide to take from this, I hope the one thing you walk away knowing is that in order to spice up your marriage you will have to be intentional and you will have to invest the time. Regardless of what is going on around you, your marriage deserves your attention. Let’s not put it on the back burner while we chase after every other goal on our list. I guarantee if you will put the effort into your union, you’ll reap a beautiful harvest of love, intimacy, and longevity for years to come. Wishing your marriage peace, joy, great sex, and crazy emotional intimacy!

~ Jasmine

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